Sunday, 24 June 2012

This Be The Worst

They fuck you up, your daughter and son.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They remind you of faults you never had
  And add some extra, just for you.

For sure they will fuck up when it's their turn
  To fools who expect them to dote,
Who half the time will be snotty-nosed
  And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
  It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
  And don't have any kids yourself.

- Ammani with due apologies to Philip Larkin who knew a
 thing or two about kids

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Of Momzillas and the like...

....I am bored to death with talking, hearing and reading about motherhood. I know all about the war between working mothers and women who stay at home with their children (though I see little real evidence of it). I'm fed up with snotty message-board posts. I'm tired of Yummy Mummies, Alpha Mommies, Rock-Star Mommas, Momzillas and MILFs (Moms I'd Like to F---). I've begun to dread mommy-lit novels, including the latest entry, "Slummy Mummy."

The rest of it here.

Thanks Shoefiend and Anone for alerting me to it.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

"Hi manni, how r u ppl ?"

Am not married and no kids too. But having born in a big family have been with a lot of kids around me (niece, nephews ). Would like to post one annoying experience with the kids and especially with those angel-like mothers and fathers. Both are to be blamed in this regard.
( Scene on a lovely sunday morning 7am, me lying half awake in bed) Mom: hey sri, why dont you call up your brother and talk to him, u missed his call yesterday . We dint want to wake you up , he made a late night call.

Me: ya mom.. i'l do it. But anything notable in their call ?
Mom: You know what,itseems ananya (brother's cute daughter) has started talking small words. and has begun to identify stuffs around her. your dad must be enjoying there
Me: (forced to call , Start talking to my Sis-in-law) Hi manni, how r u ppl ? how is dad there. is he enjoying the place ?
Bhaabhi : Ya sri.. and guess what ananya has got along well with her thaatha (grandfather). wait i'l give the phone to ananya, she'l tel u
Me : ????? (what's going on , how will a 10month old talk to me ,am i dreaming)
Baby : taata... (thatha) (her mom prompting from behind , athai sollu ) tattaaii... ..( and the list goes on)
Me: (Goddamn, manni, am on an ISD call.. Y dont u tell me those words and put the phone down.. ) oh good sweety.. give to daddy.
Brother: hey sri.another news i've got a new pet dog at home. its a pug .. yaa .. the same breed which comes for hutch. i want to hear it ...Hey cosmo... say hello to sri... "Bow ... Bow..."
Me: (OH NO NOT AGAIN ... ) *Furious with the barks*
A plead from me to all mothers dont let ur kids talk over phone unless they start talking properly. its seriously annoying to hear them say some crap while on an ISD call.
A plead from me to all mothers dont let ur kids talk over phone unless they start talking properly. its seriously annoying to hear them say some crap while on an ISD call.

"She missed out on brushing her teeth"

Ever since I had my second baby, the first one, who is now 3.5 yrs old, gets neglected every once in a while. More so because it is summer and she is running wild in the back yard with the neighbors' kids. If she plays with the water hose, it is counted as a bath. If she eats mac and cheese at the neighbors, it is a meal. If she plays dress up with her friends and her hair looks more like a clippy stand than anything else, then I don't bother combing her hair. But in all this she missed out on brushing her teeth one day.

It was one of those crazy days, when the baby was cranky, I had to run errands and brushing her teeth was the last thing on my mind. Finally at 10:30pm when I thought I was done with the day, the little one wakes up and says "Ma, I need to brush my teeth, it feels all gooey". I was tired and told her she can do it in the morning. She lays back and after a few minutes, goes to daddy dearest and says, "Appa, I need to brush my teeth". Daddy drops everything he is doing and gives her a crash course in oral hygiene, all with pictures of decayed teeth from the web. Now everyday, she walks about sermonizing me with "Amma did you brush your teeth. You will get otta (hole) in your teeth if you don't." Ellam Neram!

- kannamma's amma

Friday, 20 July 2007

"Do I pass?"

I request you to kindly consider this recent post of mine as a Pillayaar Suzhi to this cult. Do I pass? I solemnly swear I would try to do better(or is it worse?) next time! :)


"After all they are kids"

This story is pretty similar to the passenger list-checking-parent.Whenever husband and I are on a long flight, the first thing we check for is junta around us.
Kids below 2.. *sigh..* - *no no* .
Let me admit that nothing can be more irritating than a kid screaming on flight. Now I can already see yummy-mummies with broom sticks saying "After all they are kids.. the take off-landing makes them scream. Kids are kids .. What do you know etc etc.
Guys, am being very honest. It is irritating.. It really is. But over the years, we have realised that it is better to have two screaming with us us than one Gujarati / Punjabi.


"I know I'm bad! I'm bad! I know it!"

You know the thing they say about sleeping like a baby? And how only a person who never had a child could have made a completely off-the-mark, asinine statement like that? I mean, we all know babies wake up just as we're about to drop off, right? And that they take ages to fall asleep, especially when you had planned to go out, take a bath, get a pedicure; in short, every time you were on the verge of reminding yourself that you had another avatar in the BC era (Before Child).

What I like to to do, now that that time is mercifully behind me is, hand my now seven year old son to my parents some Saturday evening, and go out with a bunch of friends who, some of them, have to remind themselves that I'm a mom. In the middle of some smoke-filled pub, with a drink in my hand and people singing tunelessly to Summer of 69, I enjoy the sensation of not having to make my son sleep. Not having to lie next to him afraid the smallest creak of the bed will wake him up.

The best thing about being a mom is to have a kid at an age when each one's need for the other is in perfect balance: when he can be at a friend's house and you aren't consumed with anxiety; when you can go out of town for three days and he's happy in the knowledge that you'll be back.